One day, a distraught man walks into a bar near Harvard University and asks the bartender: “How much for your cheapest whiskey?”
The bartender says, “Our well whiskey is $10 a shot, sir.”
The man takes one and begins pouring his heart out to the bartender. “My marriage is falling apart. It’s so terrible. For months, it feels like we’re either fighting or not talking. Our marriage can’t last much longer. I don’t know what else to do but come here and talk bullshit with you and drink.”
He carries on, and a man walks up to him confidently. He says, “Excuse me, but I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. You don’t need to talk to a bartender. You need to talk to a Marriage and Family Therapist. I happen to be a professor of Marriage Counseling. I can solve your problem.” The man is overjoyed and asks what he needs to do. The therapist says, “Make an appointment with me. I charge $120 an hour.”
Seeing his dismay at the given price, another man walks up, even more confidently. He says, “Oh, no no. I’m a professor of psychology at Harvard. The man explains at length that Marriage Counseling is just an extrapolation of the principles of psychology, and therefore, “you should make an appointment with me instead. I’ll charge $150 an hour.”
Another man walks up, even more confidently. He says between laughs, “Oh, you poor bastard, don’t listen to him. I’m a professor of biology, and as we all know, psychology is just applied biology.” The man says, “Really? Well, how much do you charge?” The biologist scratches their chin and says “You know, I never really thought about it, but if that guy gets away with charging $150 an hour, I’ll charge $180.”
Seeing the man bit frazzled, a third man walks up, even more confidently, and says “Oh, don’t let these people confuse you. I’m a professor of chemistry, and biology can all be explained by chemistry. Since this is clearly what you need, you may as well pay me $200 an hour.”
The man now quite overwhelmed, a fourth man struts his way into the fray, easily swaying the men around him aside. “As you all know, none of your fields can touch the explanatory power of physics, which I happen to be a professor of. I can rearrange your marriage with scientific precision, and I’ll do it for $250 an hour.”
Utterly beleaguered, the man puts his head in his hands. He hears a sullen laugh from the corner of the bar. Everyone turns to look, and there is a suave gentleman in the corner. “I’m a professor of mathematics. As you all know, everything — psychology, biology, chemistry, and even physics is basically just math. I’ll solve your problem for…”
Soon, the professors are all bickering, and the bartender begins laughing. While they are fighting among themselves , the man says the bartender, “Isn’t this crazy? I know they all explained it to me, but I don’t see how the mathematician is going to fix my marriage.” The bartender agrees and says, “You don’t need to talk to a mathematician.”
The man is glad someone seems to be making sense, but then the bartender tells him: “You won’t get anywhere in mathematics until you define your first principles, clearly define the nature of inference, and understand the principles of epistemology. Mathematics is just an expression of the ideal forms, which are just thoughts in the mind of God…”
As the bartender goes on, the man asks, “How do you know all this?” The bartender says, “I have a PhD in Philosophy.”
The man replies, “Ok then. How much will YOU charge to solve my problem?”
The bartender answers, “Like I said, sir, the well whiskey is $10 a shot.”
I’ll workshop this joke in my classes next year.
Nature and Nurture 